macbook air 2015 won't turn on

Hi.

This is WEIRD AF!

I installed a fresh clean MacOS High Sierra on my MBA 2015.

I then left it for about a month.

I came back to it just the other day, and it won't turn on. Plugged in charger - green light at first, then red light. Ok, I thought it'll charge a bit and turn on (even though I do remember turning the mac off before I left for my break). Came back after 30 minutes. Won't turn on.

Thought it was the charger. Plugged in another charger (which works for sure). Same thing.

Weird.

Did all the reset BS that I found online (SMC, SM-this, SM-that, PM, PR, all that crap). Nothing.

Opened it up for inspection. Looks like it's brand new (seriously - I take care of my stuff like crazy! A bit OCD on these things).

Disconnected battery and reconnected it. NOTHING.

What gives?

Anyone here has a clue?

Please - if you are an Apple rep - spare me the BS of telling me to go to the Apple store. I don't have one where I am at.

Here are some pics:

https://imgur.com/a/MEAYUBB