How do I enable right-click and scrolling on Magic Mouse with iPad Air?

My new Magic Mouse won't right click or scroll on my new iPad Air. It's out of the return window, so I'm stuck with it. I hate it so much. Help me, please, so I don't throw it through the window and set a wicked curse upon the people at the Apple Store who convinced me it would be worth the money. (I'm updated on everything.)

[Re-Titled by Moderator]

Original Title: Magic Mouse on iPad won't right click or scroll, and I hate the costly little brick so much. Help :(