combination of CPU-Z and SPD tool should do the trick.
What I did is save the tables from the stock modules first and then write them to the new sticks one by one. Afterwards they have miraculously worked on the blackbook
Was going to try it myself on my Mid-2010 2.8 MBP (I really don't see how it wouldn't work) but had no time...
If it is any encouragement, your progress so far mimics 100% my experiences with black macbook - I could boot in safe mode and any other os than OSX, but normal boot would not work, unless the SPD tables defaulted to stock macbook settings.
If that fails, my guess would be it's got to do with the built in, on CPU die memory controller - perhaps disabling integrated graphics (how?) would solve that? As far as I understand when OSX boots in safe mode, it disables quartz and all hardware graphics acceleration, looking into disabling the onboard graphics in nvram could also be helpful.
Just make sure you back up your SPDs and double check everything you do, don't nuke your expensive RAM!
[edit] Also, use thaiphoon burner to generate the new SPD and write it to your ram with SPDtool, that should help you ensure that you don't mess up the hex editing and removes one place where something could go wrong. Free version of thaiphoon allows you to generate new spds and write them to a file, but does not allow you to write them to the EEPROM, SPDtool however, can take the thaiphoon spd table and write it to the EEPROM just fine
[edit #2] also, what is your macbook spec? It is probably unlikely, but perhaps there are differences between the CPU models??
[edit #3] Also, have you tried -f flag for nvram? it forces the extensions cache to rebuild, could probably be useful?
Apple have also released a SMC update just yesterday, perhaps that could change things?
Please keep me updated, because I've been toying around with the idea of buying the cheapest DDR3 16gb kit and just messing around with it