Been following this thread since the beginning since I have a mid-2010 15" mbp with 8gb and would love 16gb.
I found these helpful:
http://support.apple.com/kb/ht3246
http://support.apple.com/kb/HT4110
This pretty much explains why the 13" works and the 15/17" models don't. It also sounds like ya'll pretty much determined the cause and that disabling graphics switching altogether would resolve the problem (just not how to do this reliably).
My guess is Apple won't do this for us because it would be disabling part of the energy save features of the machine by preventing from ever switching to the Intel HD Graphics. Seems odd that NVIDIA is used in safe mode, but maybe it is because the power save feature is off? You can always try disabling this in System Preferences.
I am sure someone with enough system knowledge can come up with a solution, but I wonder if it is worth the effort as future software updates may break the hack (depends on your tolerance for such things, I guess).
Anyway, just to clarify: it is a hardware issue with the dual graphics on the 15/17" models and specifically the Intel HD Graphics, but it looks like use of this feature is controlled by software, so a fix is possible. The fix will be a hack because it disables built-in energy save features, so an update from Apple is unlikely 😟 imho.