I fixed it! I was not holding down "menu" and "select" buttons long enough. ...and by the way, why do they make it so hard to figure out that the center button is "select"?
Anyway, I toggled the hold button back and forth about 6 times, then put the nano down on a flat surface, pushed down "menu" with one little finger tip, pushed down the center button with the other, being careful not to intrude into any other area (geesh) and then started to count slowly. When I got to 10, the apple appeared, then the menu, and my computer recognized that something was connected to the usb port and itunes opened.
So I guess the answer is to toggle hold more, and then to hold down the buttons for a long time. I hope this helps someone else.