JoshD, I wish I had your problem , keep the laptop, I would say, if the only thing that bothers you is the cricking, that's actually easy to fix. I know, you should not be expected to do this your self on a high end laptop, but if you like this one, and willing to fix it your self, it’s not too hard. And your chances of getting a better one, in my experience, are slim to none.
So, here is how to fix the cricking noise. First, you will need to by the 1.2mm pentalobe screw driver, they sell them on Amazon or in Fry’s Electronics. Use it to carefully remove the bottom panel of your laptop. Remove all the screws around the perimeter, then, turn the laptop so the back of it is facing away from you, grasp the far edge of the panel with your fingers and pull up and towards you. The panel is snapped in place in the middle with 2 snaps, they will unsnap without braking or anything, but you have to tug relatively hard (don’t yank, just pull evenly).
Once the panel is off, look on the motherboards for little spring loaded standoffs. There are 8-10 of them. They look like little towers sticking out of the motherboard. Press them with your finger slowly, one at a time. You will notice that some of them make an annoying click sound when pressed in. Once you figure out which of the little standoffs make the click noise, just press them repeatedly for 30 seconds or so, just to where them in, and stop the clicking noise. You can push the top in a circular motion, to make the shaft ware out a bit, this will also make them operate better. If your problem is really bad, you can add VARY little graphite grease to the little standoff shaft, to quite it done. This should not cause any problems, but do this at your own risk. If you spread graphite grease all over the motherboard, it’s not my problem
Ok, once that’s done, snap the bottom panel back on, and screw it in in a star pattern. While applying constant (moderate) pressure in the center of the panel with your palm, screw in the corner screws first. So, do bottom right corner, then top left, then bottom left, then top right. Continue crisscross, like that, until you got all the screws in. When tightening screws, use 2 fingers only. Apply as much force as you can with the tips of your index finger and thumb, but no more. They don’t have to be too tight, and you don’t want to strip them out.
Ok, after this, your cricking should be gone. Takes about 20 minutes to do, and I have done this on friends laptops. Please ground your self by touching some large metal object before starting, to offload any static electricity you may carry, and clean your hands, etc. Just the normal taking apart electronics rules will do.
Hope that helps. And yes, it’s complete and utter ******** that you have to do this on such a high end laptop. I really do hope that Apple learns from it.