Help? my ipad keeps talking to me

You have VoiceOver turned on and need to turn it off in settings. With this turned on the gestures are different. Follow these steps exactly:

1. Press Home.
2. Tap Settings. Then double-tap Settings.
3. Tap General. Then double-tap General.
4. Use three fingers on the screen to scroll to Accessibility.
5. Tap Accessibility. Then double-tap Accessibility.
6. Tap VoiceOver. Then double-tap VoiceOver.
7. Tap "On" next to VoiceOver. Then double-tap "On" to turn it off.

If you still can't manage to turn it off, you can do it in iTunes by following this guide: http://support.apple.com/kb/HT3577.