Every app I open on my iPhone 4S crashes...

I've got problems.

-First off, every app I open crashes. And I mean every app. Some just refuse to open, others provide that faint glimmer of hope when they begin to load, but alas. I am disappointed again.

- My iPhone hasn't been backed up for 27 weeks, apparently. I was not aware of this until this morning when some Apple guy told me it was because I had no storage left. He told me to back it up to my year old MacBook Pro. My year old MacBook Pro doesn't have any storage either.

-Because of all these storage issues, I went and deleted every app, photo, and email I didn't need. Nothing. Nothing happened.

-My iCloud account hasn't accepted emails for two months. It says I'm over my quota, which is weird, because nobody freaking uses email anymore and I haven't sent one myself since last October.

-My phone number itself appears to be some sort of a black hole, sucking text messages and phone calls into oblivion. For three weeks, friends have asked me why I don't respond to my texts or phone calls. Why every group chat my phone number is included in mysteriously malfunctions. To them I say, it must be fate. For no other reason would my piece of unseemly poo iPhone cause such pain. Such destruction.

-All apps not connected to Apple in any way (Evernote, WriteRoom, etc.) that have their own syncing servers have not synced in months, despite Apple support telling me that my own phone's storage had no correlation to the syncing of other apps.

-While I'm at it, why the heck did you Apple people have to make the background picture sizing for IOS7 so weird? I nearly lose it every time I try to change my background.

My life ***** enough already. God, I just wanna play Flappy Bird.

<Edited by Host>