iTunes 11 crashes when device plugged in, iTunes 12 crashes whenever I do anything other than listen to music

Hey Apple Support!

I am about to return my POS Apple products and all Apple products in my household / never buy one ever again! But first please help me out getting your junk to work until I can replace it all.

Running Windows 8.1 (latest updates), and randomly today, my iTunes 11 starts crashing when I plug in my iPhone 5 ios7.1. NOTE: I have made no changes to the iPhone or iTunes for a few months and they have been working together fine, this issue just popped out of the blue today. So, I upgrade to iTunes 12 thinking that will solve the issue. Other than giving me a terrible display and slower start-up time, iTunes 12 is a whole lot worse! Not only does plugging in a device crash it, but running uninstaller also crashes! Reinstall / repair crashes! Trying to edit preferences in iTunes crashes! (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP ALL OF THESE CASES ARE OCCURRING) I can't get rid of your trash software! That's not so bad, since I never use iTunes for anything but syncing to my iPhone, EXCEPT I just had to buy a replacement iPhone 5S today because I was told that somehow after camping in the desert (i.e. no water) my phone got water damaged! And before that incident even happened my iPhone has almost always had issues with the screen mis-reading gestures which today caused me to delete a text conversation with someone and I opened a separate question about why after that happened my phone continues to delete new texts from this person, but no one has answered! If any specialist responds with the "iTunes: May become unresponsive when connecting iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch" then I'm heading straight to the AT&T store to return this brick I just bought.