Importing calendar into iCloud on a Windows PC

I cannot figure out how to import my calender en masse from Google.

• I have a Windows (7) PC and an iPhone (6) on iOS 8.
• I do not have a Mac
• I have Google contacts in iCal (.ics) format.
• I have an iCloud account.

I have observed the following problems trying to do this.

• There is no native client option for PC Windows other than iCloud web.
• There is no option to import calendars on iCloud web.
• There is no way to directly import calendars on the iPhone.
• There is no secondary syncing option for iCloud calendar on my phone.
• Every hack I've seen to get this done relies on having the Mac calendar client. I reiterate: I do not have a Mac.

Additionally, I tried to mail my calendar file to myself and open it in the iOS mail app. This was a partial solution.

• I received and could open the file.
• I could see all of my events.
• I could see the add (all) button in the top right corner.
• Upon clicking the add (all) button, I was prompted to pick a destination.
• After a moment of processing, a list of my tasks appeared again, but none of them were actually added.
• I can add calendar items one-at-a-time using this technique, but that is useless for literally thousands of events.

I accept that Windows PC users are second class citizens here, but making it impossible to migrate is a critical failure. Could the email add method be bugged? Is there another better way to do this? Can we expect better Windows support anytime soon? Lack of decent data/file/image sync with Windows is frustrating, but this is wholly a different problem. I can't even use it with my data.

P.S. Don't say stick with Google. I realize that's always an option. Unlike Gmail, I've always been a bit sketchy about Google Calendar. It's ugly and syncing is a dog.