iCal syncing from desktop to iPhone and iPad is a nightmare

I have a mid-2011 MBA running Mountain Lion, an iPhone 5C, and an iPad 2.

I use the Lightning add-on for Thunderbird for a calendar, but it is buggy. I really want to go back to iCal so I can have my calendar on my phone and on my iPad, but syncing is a nightmare. I cannot find any plain language information on the rationale behind why syncing works the way it does so that I can figure out how to make it work correctly.

What I want:

iCal desktop to be my primary calendar and to sync all updates to my iPad and iPhone. If I add an update on my iPad or iPhone, I want it to show up on iCal the next time I connect my device to the computer.

What actually happens:

iCal desktop is the secondary calendar. Anything that happens on the iPad and iPhone is more important. If I add an iCal event on the desktop app while I am connected to my iPhone and iPad, the events I create disappear because they do not exist on the iPad and iPhone. If I create them when the devices are not connected, when I do connect I either lose the events or they get triplicated.

I do not use iCloud to sync, only iTunes by checking 'sync calendars.' I have given up on ever making iCloud syncing work for anything. Last time I tried it, it just deleted all my books, music, movies, etc. (thank goodness for Time Machine backups) and quadrupled all my calendar events...

Can someone please take pity on me and explain how to make syncing