[Native Apple Keyboard] Predictive Disabled

iPhone 5s

iOS 9.1

Predictive text wont work. I can't toggle that switch on and it's already set to on in settings.

I don't have the little grey "-----" on top of the keyboard to signify it's "hidden", it's like its not on at all.

Things I have tried:

Turning predictive text off and on.

Switching to a different system language and switching back.

Switching to a different keyboard language and switching back.

Installing another keyboard, switching to that and switching back.

Restarting the phone by holding power and home. I also tried this after each of the above just to be sure.

A factory reset is NOT an option, I just got this phone set up and downloaded thousands of offline map tiles for a hiking GPS app. It hours to set up and I am not going to do it again any time soon. Why should I have to waste my bandwidth and hours of my time for this nonsense? Isn't Apple supposed to "just work?" which is their excuse for locking everything down and making it so "simple" OS [Read: Stupid "Limited" OS] an ape can use it?

I am an Android user [who HATES Google as a company] and decided to give iOS a try; not impressed. I have had more apps crash [far more than Android], random things stop working (like this keyboard), and forced limitations by Apple in the name of "simplicity" than I can deal with; all in a short time. I thought this was the "golden OS", the "green side of the fence", "If its not an iphone, its not an iphone".

Well, If its not an iphone, the predictive text probably works...