Allrighty, I finally managed to fix it. All it needed was surgical removal: Uninstall iTunes Uninstall all iTunes plugins Get into your Program Files directory, and kill the iTunes directory Uninstall Quicktime Get into your Program Files directory, and kill the Quicktime directory Download Windows Install Clean Up, and remove any iTunes and Quicktime entries Go to Start->Run->enter %appdata%->find the Apple Computer directory, show now mercy, kill it entirely. In the explorerwindow, open the Extra->Folder options and enable "show hidden files and folders". Go up 1 directory, find Local Settings, in there, find Application Data, destroy the Apple Computer directory Get a fresh Quicktime installer (preferably standalone) and install Quicktime Get a fresh iTunes install and install iTunes
Fire up iTunes and hope for the best. It's the only method that has worked for me.