strangely, i see nothing running on 5353. just bonjour on 5354...
even more odd is the fact that i have turned on just about every service that was on before and it hasn't stopped working. i must have done something right by shutting off all non-windows core services and linking the library before individually turning on each service i needed. i also restarted after enabling each one to ensure i had not enabled one that would cause the problem.
it works now, and i'm baffled that i didn't cause it to mess up again and therefore narrow it down to a particular service that was causing the mis-communication, but i can testify that following the steps in this article fixed it (for now) for me:
http://support.apple.com/kb/HT1275
WINDOWS USERS: I highly recommend it for ATV network related issues that won't go away. Just try it. Shut them all off and link up your library.
Here is a list of services that I decided not to enable, just in case anyone is curious (some of them are pointless according to my needs and what I read about them online so...)
InstallDriver Table Manager
Machine Debug Manager
NVIDIA Driver Helper Service
Office Source Engine
AND here is the list of Enabled Services just in case anyone wants to know:
Apple Mobile Device
Bonjour Service
iPod Service
LexBce Server
LogMeIn Maintenance Service
LogMeIn
McAfee Framework Service
Network Associates McShield
Network Associates Task Manager
Windows Defender
VNC Server
Windows Media Player Network Sharing Service (even though its not needed i turned it back on to see if it would be the culprit, it was my prime suspect and turned out not to be...)
ALSO, it may be noteworthy, even though I do have Windows Firewall turned off, before having this work for me I had added two port entries into the exceptions section of Windows Firewall. I added port 5353 TCP and UDP as an allowed port. Though since Bonjour seems to want to use 5354 it may not make a difference, also mdnsresponder has its own exception (for the executable). just wanted to mention it was one thing i did in addition to the steps recommended in the article.
In summary, i read the above article, disabled startup section and services section (except for VNC which I needed as this is a standalone pc with no keyboard, mouse, or monitor attached) and don't forget to check the box that says "hide all microsoft services". restarted the computer. re-linked my library. verified all was working. did several test reboots and it continued to work. enabled needed services one at a time and restarted the computer after enabling (don't forget to enable the startup tab items that correspond with the service items for example, i enabled VNC service but also needed to enable the task tray startup item). after starting the non-critical services i felt i needed i did one last phase of test restarts and it still works fine.
time will tell if this is permanent, but thanks to everyone who has posted responses encouraging me to check things thoroughly. after a few days i will post a note here to update on the status. hopefully we have a permanent winner but for now PROBLEM SOLVED as far as I care.
good nite!