The apps that I can't update are in my account but sent to her apple i.d.
The app is downloaded on your Apple ID, which you cannot/may not send to anyone (in your case your wife).
If your wife also wants that app, you can use Family Sharing.
See the following Apple articles:
Set up Family Sharing
Set up Family Sharing - Apple Support
What is Family Sharing?
What is Family Sharing? - Apple Support
(You both already did this) Make sure that each family member has a unique Apple ID
Make sure that each family member has a unique Apple ID - Apple Support
Download family members’ purchases on iPhone
Download family members’ purchases on iPhone – Apple Support (UK)
Add a family member to your subscriptions from Apple
Add a family member to your subscriptions from Apple – Apple Support (UK)
Share iCloud+ with your family
Share iCloud+ with your family - Apple Support
Use Family Sharing to share iTunes Store purchases on PC
Use Family Sharing to share iTunes Store purchases on PC - Apple Support (GE)