iPod
iPod Touch was officially discontinued on May 10, 2022 (5 months, 25 days ago). That may have something to do with it. The Terms and Conditions (which devices are eligible) have changed between then and now.
I didn't actually open the box until much later
Weird, but user choice. Apple has on record to the second when it was first activated, though. And which store it was from. They don’t need your story for that. But it may not matter because of the above.
they're completely useless and the last person I talked to just hung up after 2 hours!
I can only guess about that conversation, but … You saying what you want, and them applying their terms and conditions is different from being useless. If no conclusion was reached after 2 hours (!), then you were probably be going in circles for a while, and then probably no solution can be reached at any length. They’re the ones to convince, no-one else.