change the the Apple ID on my wife phone

I'm sorry for your loss. Assuming you don't your wife's Apple ID, this is the official process from Apple to request access to a deceased family member's account --> How to request access to a deceased family member's Apple account - Apple Support

You'll need to follow these directions and get help from Apple directly.

No we can’t.

See this:

How to remove Activation Lock - Apple Support

just go to settings and sign out of her Apple ID and use yours

if it does not work try Johnathan burger's link