iPhone 17 Pro setup hangs on every option during initial setup

I've never had this many issues setting up an Apple product before. When I got the product out of the box I attempted quick setup. it asked to update, and then hung on the update. I force restarted and tried again using iCloud backup. Again, it hung on iCloud backup. I tried again with quick setup, and it failed from my old phone's side. Force restarted, tried again with iCloud backup, now it's hanging on restore from iCloud. I need to leave the house and at this point I'm going to have to put my sim in my old phone and accept that the new one is bricked. What's going on?

[Re-Titled by Moderator]

Original Title: iPhone 17 Pro is hanging on every setup option - completely unusable - what do I do?