Hi kurtric,
It looks like you're having some trouble sharing access to some of your HomeKit accessories with your wife. I'll see how we can assist with configuring your Home app.
Start out by checking out this article to help with using the Home app:
Use the Home app on your iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch - Apple Support
We want to make sure we followed these steps:
You can invite others to control your accessories if they’re using iOS 10 and signed in to iCloud. To share control of your accessories, you need to be either in your home or have a home hub set up in your home.
To invite others:
- Open Home and tap the Home tab.
- Tap
in the upper-left corner.
- Tap Invite.
- Enter the person's Apple ID that they use with iCloud.
- Tap Send Invite.
Your recipient will get a notification in the Home app on their device.
To accept an invite:
- Open Home and tap
.
- Tap Home Settings.
- Tap Accept, then tap Done.
After you accept the invitation, tap
and tap the name of the Home to control it.
Set up a home hub to allow remote access and edit permissions for people you invite.
Also, make sure to check out this article about remote access:
Automate and remotely access your HomeKit accessories - Apple Support
You mentioned permissions, did you grant Remote Access? This is from the above article:
If you set up a home hub, you can manage remote access and edit permissions for people that you invite to control your home. If you don't have a home hub set up, they can only control your accessories while they're at your home, connected to your home Wi-Fi network, and within range of your HomeKit accessories.
To manage remote access and change permissions for a person, invite the person to control your home. Then follow these steps:
- Open Home and tap
.
- Tap the person that you want to edit permissions for.
- Set the following access for your user:
- Allow Remote Access: Turn on to allow users to control your accessories from any location. Turn off to allow users to only control your accessories while they're at your house.
- Allow Editing: Turn on to allow them to add and remove accessories, scenes, and other users.
If you want to remove a person, tap
, tap the user, then tap Remove Person.
Let us know if this was helpful.
Thanks for using Apple Support Communities.