How do I sync contacts on an iPhone 6 Plus -- existing answers don't work

Existing answers are 5 years old and say settings -> Mail,Contacts,Calendars .... but I have no such item. I have the three of them individually, and they don't look like the videos I see. Where are there instructions that actually apply to this phone?

Related issues:

I'm here because I noticed the account listed most often for contacts is my wife's, not mine, and I need to fix that so I get my gmail contacts in the phone.

Details:

Settings -> contacts -> import SIM Contacts

lists

iCloud

Gmail

my wife's gmail account

a gmail account i manage for a social group

And I don't see how to add my own account to this list.

Settings -> contacts -> Default Account -> Gmail

shows the same list, and I don't see how to change from my wife's account to my own

On the other hand,

Settings -> contacts -> My Info shows all of the contacts I'm used to, but they no longer show up in contacts when I'm making phone calls. But when I try to call using this list, it want's my wife's password. I know it, but this is just wrong.