Deleting email on my MacBook Pro laptop does not delete email on my Xr phone. How can I set this up ?

It sounds as though you set-up your email account as POP rather than IMAP. See the following article:

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT201320

"IMAP and POP are two different protocols. There are many differences between these two. The main difference is that IMAP (Internet Messaged Access Protocol) always syncs with mail server so that any changes you make in your mail client (Microsoft Outlook, Thunderbird) will instantly appear on your webmail inbox. On the other hand, in POP(Post Office Protocol), your mail client account and mail server are not synced. It means whatever changes you make to your email account in the mail client will not be transferred to the webmail inbox. In simple terms, if you are using IMAP and mark a mail as read, it gets marked as read in your web based inbox too (because the changes are happening on the server). However, this won’t be the case if you are using POP, because the mails are downloaded to your PC and the changes won’t reflect on the server".

The article I linked to, will explain how to set up your email account automatically or manually, on your XR, however, only if you are using the Apple Mail app. Pay particular attention to the links in the article, especially if you aren't using any of the six email providers shown in the top photo of the article, as you'll have to set it up manually.