Siri not speaking in a timely manner

So I'm sitting at my easel and the lock screen wakes up with a notification: I missed a call 31 minutes ago...

31 minutes ago! Phone never rang. Been right here for more than an hour. Phone never rang. No "incoming call" notification. No "accept/decline" screen. Nothing. Now, 31 minutes later it informs me that I missed a call.

No mention of the voicemail.

I'm taking it back to the Apple Store next week. For the usual run-around. Just 'cause I like it. And to get it wiped and reloaded again. Again. This will be the 3rd time. Bought it new 9/18 and this will be the third time it has been sterilized and set up as new. Again.

Yes. Did that AGAIN - for the third time, last week. Now Siri doesn't speak at all...

Went to the Apple Store. They ran diagnostics. Again. Everything is fine. Again. Wiped and reloaded iOS. Again. Just like a new phone. No Siri. Again. No improvement. Again.

This is new: Settings>Siri & Search>Listen for "Hey Siri" and click "Continue" and the screen locks up. Freezes for about a minute, goes back to the lock screen. Every time.

If I can figure out a way to get rid of this thing... My next phone will be a Samsung. Or LG. Not gonna do the Apple two-step no more.

First update. The next morning...

A friend always texts "on my way" just before she leaves her house. Her drive to my house takes 15 to 20 minutes, closer to 15 on a Sunday morning. Today, her text arrived 25 minutes after she did, roughly 40 minutes after she sent it.

At 10:13 this morning the audio responses from all - ALL - of yesterday's "Hey Siri" questions arrived together, back-to-back, in chronological order.

I just now asked Siri what time it is. Again. Guess what she said: nothing. Again.

(Should anyone choose to reply please don't suggest updating software, resetting this or that, etc. All the usual stuff has been done at least twice...)

Siri consistently "speaks up" 10 minutes or so after I connect the phone to my iMac. Doesn't matter whether it's tethered (personal hotspot) or just charging.

Voicemail notification is also late. Get a phone call. Don't answer it. Instantly get a "missed call" notification on the lock screen. Fifteen minutes to an hour later that changes to "missed call & voicemail." Yep, voicemail notification is taking up to an hour to arrive.

This is ridiculous.

"Okay, Siri isn't talking back. So what?"

News flash: no Siri no Carplay. No Carplay, no hands-free texting, no spoken directions in Maps. Carplay requires Siri and with Siri not speaking Carplay is disabled.

Thanks for your reply, ChrisJ4203.

All the usual stuff has been done, including 2 trips to the Genius Bar at 2 Apple stores. Passed their diagnostics - no problem. Their only suggestion has been to wipe it and set it up as new with no indication that they actually know what's going on and, consequently, no guarantee that a wipe will fix anything. Let's face it, setting it up as a new phone with no restore is a serious pain. Not something to do just 'cause they "think it might..."

I think I'll make one last attempt to borrow a late model XS - this is an early one - and clone mine to it. I back it up now to my old 6 and it has no issues but then it's a 6, not an early XS...

And besides, it's having a LOT of issues, some of which seem to be modem related like the fact that if LTE is enabled 1 bar = no service and sometimes 2 bars = no service.

Guess what guys, there's a new one! Hold the phone vertically - portrait orientation - and touch the "Messages" icon. (Have a conversation selected from last time.) Rotate the phone from vertical to horizontal - landscape orientation. Watch the display wink out, go completely black, for a tenth of a second or so and when it comes back it's rotated, like it should be, but it's taking dictation without ever touching the microphone much less holding it. Rotating the phone turns dictation on!

Can't wait to see what malfunction it comes up with tomorrow...

Oh, and one other thing:

Connect this phone to my iMac, use a genuine Apple Lightning cable, go into Safari, click the Apple icon in the address bar. Don't be surprised if you get a "Safari cannot find the server" error messge. Took ten minutes to get back here and post this message because of that. Over and over and over again. (Insanity: repetition of the same action expecting different results.)

Really? An all-Apple rig can't find Apple's web site?

Hey Apple, guess what? We've figured out how to bypass both Face Id and the passcode on this phone!

Do I have your attention now? Good. Here's what it's doing now:

Pick up the sleeping phone.

Tap the screen. It stays completely black except that now we have a white bar at the bottom.

Swipe up. It displays the passcode entry screen.

Hit any key - ANY key.

The passcode screen goes away and Maps opens displaying the blue arrow at a location I've never been to and instantly closes.

Ta DAH! We're at the Home screen! Just like that! Cool, huh?

It's 10:44 p.m. and Siri just informed me, among other things, that "it's 11:18 a.m."

Wow.