You're right, Apple should buy one of every Bluetooth device and not ship their product until it works with possibly broken software from other vendors. That literally wouldn't even be possible.
Apple's products work with existing products that implement the Bluetooth protocol correctly. I've described over and over again how backwards compatibility can fail in a way Apple has zero control over.
When Apple is at fault they release fixes as they can find and solve the issues. Certainly each new release of iOS 13 has fixed various issues with various devices.
Apple is not going to stop forward progress because they need to break current specifications because other vendors implemented them wrong. It's just not going to happen.
Please, I understand that it's frustrating, but it's a little like saying in every divorce, the husband is always the one at fault; it takes two.
If it were Apple's code being completely broken, I wouldn't be able to pair my 11 Pro Max with every device I own with absolutely no issues whatsoever, including a 2011 Toyota, a Denon home stereo and a free BT speaker I got in a giveaway.
I've said it before, and I will again:
If you have a device that cannot pair following Apple's troubleshooting techniques, be sure to let Apple know directly as that's the only way they will ever know to test against that specific device, if at all possible. I personally know Apple has done things like query employees at their main Cupertino campus looking for those with vehicles matching trouble reports that can be loaned to the various BT engineering groups. They've also gone out and purchased a wide variety of BT headsets, home stereos and other devices they keep in their labs for just such testing purposes.
Either:
or:
will work, with the former being preferred but the latter working as well.