Hi Larrrry,
Thanks for reaching out in Apple Support Communities. I understand you're having trouble sharing a calendar with your wife and most contacts are grayed out when you attempt to add a person to the calendar. I know it's important to be able to create and share calendars; I'd like to help. It sounds like you're taking the correct steps to share the calendar; what happens if you try to create a test calendar and attempt to share it?
"Create an iCloud calendar
- Tap Calendars at the bottom of the screen.
- Tap Add Calendar.
- Type a name for the new calendar, then tap Done.
Share an iCloud calendar
You can choose to share a calendar with one or more people in iCloud. Those you invite receive an invitation to join the calendar.
- Tap Calendars at the bottom of the screen.
- Tap next to the iCloud calendar you want to share.
- Tap Add Person, then enter a name or email address, or tap to browse your Contacts.
- Tap Add."
Share iCloud calendars on iPhone
If the test calendar works properly for sharing, can you let me know if the calendar you're having trouble with is an iCloud calendar or is it associated with a different email account? You can check which accounts have access to Calendar; open Calendar > tap Calendars in the bottom center of the screen.
Let me know what you find.
Best Regards.