iPhone XS and contacts question

This is a random but SPECIFIC question but it's causing me quite a few delays in my life.

I have an iPhone XS running 14.2.

My problem is that I like to keep my address book (Contacts) on my laptop. I use this Contacts list divided into categories for business mailings, fundraisers, Christmas cards, invitations, etc. and it's my overall/all-inclusive Contacts list

On my iPhone I want to be able to contact one person in a family group. For instance, in the Joe & Mary Smith setting, Mary is my best friend so I want to email, call, and text her way more often than I contact Joe.

However, in my iPhone settings both of their names appear together with Joe's cell and email and Mary's cell and email. When I push the key for Message, Call, or Email I have no idea who is receiving the message, call or email until it's too late.

BUT, if I change each of these into separate listings then my mailings/Christmas cards (from my laptop) are sent one to Joe Smith and one to Mary Smith instead of the Joe & Mary Smith Family (as it is listed in my laptop Contacts).

When there are multiple cell listings for different family members under a single family name it should be possible to select a single family member and send them a message without automatically instigating a phone call to see whose receiving the call..

Surely there is a way to correct this? In previous years I had a separate program on my Mac where I could keep an address list totally separate from a phone &/or email list but that program is long gone.

Please help keep my sanity :)

Thanks in advance,