Non-disableable “haptic” sound

When long-pressing anything (like for opening context menus, e.g. when you open a new tab in Safari) my phone speakers make this incredibly irritating click. My volume is at 0%, my ringer is at 0%, System Haptics are off, and Accessibility -> Touch -> Vibration is off, all to stop this clicking sound, and none of them affect it. The only thing that stops it is when my headphones are on.

According to other posts I’ve seen, this has been a problem with iOS for over 4 years now. I am going to click pens over the PA system at Apple HQ until senior management can find an online coding tutorial for a toggle switch.