ok, so basically it took a mish-mash of all of the suggestions here to get it working.-- I really kept trying until it worked. stupid I know.
- Reset network settings- make sure you get the request to trust the phone and accept it on the phone. I did that once before with no go, but this time it worked.
-shut down itunes and restart
-Plug iphone in to computer- uncheck wifi sync, apply then sync with cable
-check sync with wifi apply and then sync with cable
unplug phone from itunes and restart.
That is when my phone showed up.
When I called Apple support, they had asked me to check if my modem had new firmware, like there was some need to update my modem!
Boy, apple software can be buggy.